Beep! Shift! Go!

Adventures with my Possibility Team practicing our Spaceholding Skills

After ending my weekly meeting with my Possibility Team, I sat there in a 5-body liquid state, feeling deep sadness because I found myself again in a place of numbness, playing small and being adaptive. I sat there feeling the pain of being under somebody else's irresponsible context? I asked myself, how am I creating this? What in me is creating this? The pain was immense, I was immersed in a space where I didn't have power, tipy toeing around, why am I doing this? I don't need to do this anymore, I have access to my NO, let's practice it.

During the meeting I had written in my beepbook: GO. My body wrote it before my mind could make sense of it or create reasons or excuses. In my liquid state, I started packing up my stuff and decided to leave my friend's space where I had arranged to stay for the next week. I felt sadness, deep sadness that I was leaving, that I had gotten to that point where I didn't have access to my edge, that the low drama in the space had consumed the love of my being and that I allowed this to happen. I felt angry because I didn't do enough to set my boundaries and to say NO before it had gotten too far.

I felt scared because I felt how the space was consuming my being instead of nurturing it. This state of my being felt familiar. I had felt this before many other times in other spaces. In the past I had just ignore it, let it pass, let it be how it is, submit, subdue, tolerate the situation, numb my feelings, even joining in that behavior and taking part in gremlin jokes. But this time, I had the sensitivity to detect that it was there, and that it was accumulating faster than it was being processed, and that it wouldn't take too long for it to get to the next level of numbness.

I didn't know where I was going to go. I was scared that I was making a rush decision, that I was making a detrimental decision, that leaving would kill my releationship with my friend, that I was running away once more, that I wasn't going to learn what I was supposed to learn. I was sad that I had no clarity other than making the decision that i couldn't be there, I was sad that I didn't have my anger to bring clarity to the space, that I wasn't using my anger enough to make space for myself and for my creations.

With my stuff packed, I went to my friend, Elijah, where I was staying. My heart was beating hard, I was scared because I didn't know how it was going to unfold. I asked him: "Do you have a moment to talk?". He said: "Yes". Then I said: "I changed my mind. (I paused) I'm not going to stay here for a week. I'm going to continue my journey out there". 

Elijah is a wise, experienced, map-maker, game-builder wizard, who has been committed to his work for the last 25 years of his life. I've been collaborating with him for the last 3 years in the creation of a superhero team of Planetary Guardians, training for using the tools and maps that he had created. Elijah has been an inspiration for me since I met him, because of the stand that he takes in ecological activism, conscious communication and gamifying learning and doing. He's older than me and has been doing this work for way longer than me, unconsciously I had been giving away my center to him with stories that supported that he was better than me, or that he knows more than me, or that he's older than me, so I have to do what he says.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "I don't know yet, out there" I said. I paused and allowed my being to be in a minimized here and now. "I feel scared that I'm not saying what I want to say." After saying this a process started unfolding, a very magic process. He asked me to share what I wanted to say and I went on. I put the poop on the table sharing what wasn't being talked about, his story of victimhood that kept sipping through the surface about hate and sacrifice for the work that he's doing for saving the world, my victim story of being antagonized by him in my effort to bring this vision to life. I pull the rug under my feet, explaining how I was using that story to victimize myself and how it isn't working.

I used my sadness to stay in contact with my emotional center, with my lover, creating a being to being connection, in compassion for myself and for Elijah and his partner who also connected with us at this point.