Money has been a mystery and struggle for most of my life. Last night (October 5th), Serena held space for me to explore the next step in the blockages, contradictory choices that cut off resources from flowing through me, to me, for me, from me. Here's the recording from our processing space, which I share here with the purpose of sharing the research with others who might find value in the process:
What is getting in the way of my abundance? What is taking space in my soil that is not letting other things grow? What is blocking me from my sense of self worth? How am I living in denial? What am I denying to myself? What am I denying to others?
It's become more visible that part of me is holding resentments and stories about the world and other people's way of getting money. Here's a few of them: "Things shouldn't be like this", "why is the world so blind", "I expect people to be curious about me or ask me if I need anything". "I don't know how to ask for what I need". "The work that I do is more important than the work that other people are doing". "not everything that shines is gold". "I don't see a way out of it".
Each one of these stories is a well of mixed emotions of sadness, fear and anger. I discovered that my purposes for holding those stories is that I can be right about the way I think the world is, so that I can keep using my strategy of "poor me, give me some money/food/shelter". Essentially, what I detected is that I'm uninitiated (or partially initiated) in the ways of transformation, asking/receiving/using/offering/giving of resources, and primitive technologies like fasting, breathing, hunting. The consequences of being uninitiated in these ways is the perpetuation of my adolescent/child self that relies on survival mechanisms to get by.
Here's some feedback I got from Serena during our session last night:
- I talk about money as if it's nothing, as if it's not important, I show no respect for it.
- I have judgements/disempowering stories about working for money.
- I ask money from others and spend money for others, I'm willing to take money from others but not being motivated to create it for myself or work for it.
- I talk negatively about working for money, yet I'm so willing to take it or receive from people who worked hard to get that money.
- I have an expectation for people to give me money when they worked so hard for it.
- I'm willing to take from people who have worked for their money and yet I judge them for it and is so contradictory for those that want to give.
In my last article about money, I shared the edge that I'm in with money, I shared my pain and vulnerability about my blockages and also the source of the pain and my wish for a culture with different values. It became visible for me from the feedback that I got from the universe that some things worked and others didn't. What didn't work is that I used the story from my pain and personalized it, instead of letting it be archetypal, a collective pain, and I used that to say "poor me, give me some money", repeating again my familiar story. This part revels for me my personal process of evolution and I'm grateful for the feedback that I'm getting so that I can move forward towards these new doorways that are opening up.
In the feedback that I got, I heard from people who pay taxes who are angry because they are paying for me and my family (and a good portion of the population in Canada) to live on Welfare. "They pay taxes to cover welfare so that I can live freely and have my time off when they were working so hard to put a shelter over their kids head. They don't love the welfare system, they think its horrible, and yet they do and it benefits people like me, so they're angry." From observing the design of the welfare Gameworld I notice that it emerges from an irresponsible context which is tied up with the money Gameworld of abundance and scarcity, wining and loosing, superiority and inferiority, hierarchies, withholding, accumulation, competition, etc. I'm actively being in the pain and growing awareness of playing the welfare Gameworld, and the consequences of unconsciously playing it are living stuck in scarcity, as a lesser second class member of society, marginalized, in debt, etc.
These are the questions that I'm living in at the moment: When did I stop being amazed by the mystery of life? by the mystery of myself? by the mystery of others? What is stopping me from being authentically and ecstatically amazed? What makes it so that I act as if nothing is new? as if I've seen it all? How do I get myself to my edge of discovery? How can I be amazed again by the discovery of what's unfolding before me?
Thank you for reading. If you want to add value to this topic, if this topic turns you on, if there's a deep passion in you to share something about this, go ahead and share in the comments, or write an article, or send me a message, or make a video about it, or join me on an adventure starting next week called Money Club, a spaceship that is taking off next Tuesday October 11, for 5 Tuesdays from 8 to 9:30am Pacific Time to explore and get new possibilities with a team with the theme of Money.
